Them's the Breaks

We are a fascinating and unique species. Unfortunately, that means that we pretty much suck to deal with on a social basis. If we could be like the rest of the animal kingdom, things would be a lot easier. Not necessarily more fun, but definitely easier. Think about it: the female of most species goes into heat when she's ready to mate. Humans don't. Easier, yes. More interesting? Well, the other side of that is that you would see a lot of females in heat watching two dudes fight over the prize. Come to think of it, it's not all that different from what we're doing now. Ever watch two rams lock horns? You ever watch two brahs try to wrestle feebly in a bar while bouncers break them up? Is there REALLY that much of a difference?

My point is this: it might be possible to remain friends with your significant other following a breakup, but it's pretty unlikely. It's not nearly enough to just say that you'll make the effort. You might want to make the effort, but your thoughts and feelings betray you every single chance they get. That's the problem of self-awareness and free thought. You are way too aware of yourself and you think way too damn much.

It's mostly just vanity, really. The thought of someone you shared your most intimate thoughts and motiviations with will now spend their time with someone else doing the same thing. It's easy with your friends. You tell them something, they listen. You tell your mate something, there's a chance that they may still tell you to get lost.

What then? You're stuck feeling like an asshole, basically. You start to think of all the little things you did to screw up a good thing, that maybe you had the chance and you failed. You wonder if maybe you were a little too selfish at times. Then, after all this thought and speculation, you decide it was their fault. It's always their fault. Lying, cheating scum is what they are.

So being friends with this person is hard. Don't lie to yourself and say otherwise. Most of the time, no matter how hard you try it's just not going to work. Sometimes too much was invested, as a result... too much was lost.

But seriously: how about those CUBBIES?

Please Forgive Me, I May Be An Idiot

If there's one thing that frustrates me more than the introduction of the word "Webisode" into the vernacular, it's my inability to get people. See, I can read 1-3-1 zone defense from my seat at center court better than most people. I know what the difference between a "Sam" Linebacker is and a "Mike" Linebacker. No, they are not brothers who meet at the annual Linebacker Family Reunion. But damn, those people can barbecue, son.

See, I have been on the earth longer than most of you (I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that most of you reading this are less than a quarter-century old). I still don't know anything. I still make futile attempts to reason with God like he's a Repo Man taking my HDTV. One thing I've learned is that God is not anyone's Celestial Bellhop. But damn it all if I still don't feel like trying.

The only thing I can really do is acknwoldge and accept my own shortcomings. I come on too strong at times, I have the social skills of an Irish professional drinker (which is both a curse and a blessing), and I indulge too much in life's little distractions. For those of you who say that I forgot about being in school for my eighth year, I say this to you: FUCK OFF. Mind your own damn business.

That's about all I can do. The good news is that making those acknolwedgements can help you identify social problems before they arise. There are a few instances where it still doesn't help you because temptation can be a powerful influence. So all I can say when those kinds of things happen is this: my bad.

The other thing I can do is keep the faith. I live in a social circle where most of my friends think that God is basically a trading card in a Magic: The Gathering game. I know none of them say it to me, but they find my belief in God to be misguided. Let 'em think so. Attempting to find proof either way is a waste of everyone's time because you just won't find it. I know what I know, and that ain't a whole hell of a lot. I like to think there's someone else who is looking out for me. I know I can't do it on my own. Look how much trouble I've gotten into so far.

The Glad Game

These are a list of little things that make me glad. I call it "The Glad Game."

• The first day that it becomes prudent to wear a hoodie.
• Football Saturdays!
• When a song comes on the radio that you like and know all the words to. This inevitably leads to you singing like Freddie Mercury.
• When you're making out with a girl for the first time and she elects to take her shirt off, saving a lot of potential stress.
• Days that are sunny, and hovering at around 65 degrees.
• Drink specials that you'll actually take advantage of (note: 4.50 Jagerbombs don't do a thing for me, okay?).
• Night time at 2 a.m. and it's completely quiet.
• New bag day.
• Having your parents cover the dinner check as though they're doing you a favor.
• Having a good game in pickup basketball.
• A cute girl saying "hi" to you as you're walking opposite directions.
• Finding an episode of "Mythbusters" that you haven't seen yet.
• Hearing UNI mentioned on National TV.
• Your girl coming over to sleep at your place despite hers and your busy schedules the next morning.
• Getting a new HOODIE!
• Knowing that George W. Bush is gone in January.
• Your favorite bartenders knowing what your usual drink is (this goes out to you, Sorg and Philly).
• Good tip nights.
• Getting a new text message.

Got any more? Share them.