In case you didn't know, someone, somewhere, really wants to hump you. Imagine that for just a second. They would consider it a major coup in their life's journey if they could have sex with you. You, you naive bastard. I am sure that there are people who are desiring relations with me, although they might not necessarily be doing so now. Give them time, though.
Stop moping. Whether you are skinny, fat, black, white, single, married, or "In An Open Relationship," someone thinks you are worthy of their sexual exploits. My advice to you is to go and find one of these people. If you're not single, this should be relatively easy. Trust me: your significant other imagined you naked at some point today. You'll feel better, and your mind will be clear, if only for a second.
Why do I say this? Because right now there's somebody out there who wants to do me. I know this because it's happened before. I remember how I felt after a good batch of shagging. AWESOME, and never any less than that. I tell you all of this now because nobody knows the merits of sex better than someone who isn't having it.
Now, go in peace.
7.30.2008
7.22.2008
Sexism In Modern Times
Attention, fools:
I give you this.
I want you to read the article. Then I want you to look at the pictures provided. I want you to hear the anecdotes not from the girls being interviewed for the piece as if their opinion means dick to their overbearing twat of a father, but from the twats themselves. I want you to realize that it's incredibly important in this day in age to realize that we, the youngest generation with the power to truly change things, have to recognize a problem.
Also, you have to know that these girls are going have MASSIVE fucking daddy issues their whole lives.
A "purity ball?" Hey, let's party like it's 1799! Instead of Prince, we can get Prince Wilhelm IV of Prussia! Instead of karaoke and party games, we'll be auctioning off black people in a faux-slave auction. Seriously, we're already half way there to putting women back in the fucking kitchen where they belong, right?
A purity ball. Jesus Christ, save me.
I found this on someone's Facebook notes. I'm not much for labels, but I'd say she's as close to a modernized feminist that I know. She, naturally, is outraged. I'm sure she has her reasons, including lashing out at a borderline-psychotic attempt turn back the clock because we are all scared. Scared of what, I don't know. She has her reasons, I have mine. Let me tell you mine:
It's because of people who believe in this "purity ball" shit that I don't get laid more often.
Roll with me here. What is a purity ball, essentially? An effort by a group of creepy wannabe daughter-fuckers to ensure that their seed remains theirs and theirs alone. There's a guy in the article who has the nerve to take his daughter to one of these things despite having fathered nine children with seven women. I don't care how much you say you've changed and the light of Baby Jesus has touched you: FUCK. OFF. That's the kind of contradiction that lasts for life. You are an alcoholic you're whole life, whether you've been sober thirty years or are piss-drunk now. You don't force your son or daughter to go with you to your AA meetings, you pompous fuck. Leave them out of this.
The whole socially conservative movement gets its bread and butter from the impressions made on youth. It's far easier to mold the mind of child who doesn't have contradictory viewpoints being told to them. I grew up in a household that features a Democrat for a dad and a Republican for a mom. I'm now a Libertarian, and I think they're both morons. But at least I love them for showing me that absolutely NOTHING in life is all one color. I guess it's at least a little true that you can't have an understanding until you despite someone for their viewpoints. How sad.
In this case, these purity balls represent a bunch of piss-ant macho males fucking their daughters' minds up totally. Want to know why so many girls who make virginity pledges lose it in the back of a Ford Taurus on a gravel road just outside town? DADDY. ISSUES. See, it's paranoid fathers who plant that seed in girls' heads. "Sex is bad until you're married," they'll say. Well, girls need more than one positive male role model, just like boys should have as many positive female role models as possible. They'll eventually think they've found it in the arms of Chip the Small Town Quarterback, who ironically took a chastity pledge of his own at Bible Camp.
We are the only species on earth that believes sex is something to be ashamed of. Mind you, that's not something is instinctive. It's shamed into us by adults when we are young. They do it for our physical protection more than anything. I get that, and I respect it. We are now in an age, though, where people realize their sexuality at a younger and younger age. There's absolutely no reason whatsoever to keep from embracing it. How about a message of "Sex is a wonderful, personal thing. But with it comes responsibility." How much responsibility can a person learn when they hear "No. Shut up. Sex is evil. Now sit on your dad's knee while bounces you up and down." A bit of a contradiction, to say the least.
I have ranted long enough. You are more than welcome to disagree with me, but at least hear me out when I say that these purity balls are an effort to ensure no outside information is heard. That is all.
I give you this.
I want you to read the article. Then I want you to look at the pictures provided. I want you to hear the anecdotes not from the girls being interviewed for the piece as if their opinion means dick to their overbearing twat of a father, but from the twats themselves. I want you to realize that it's incredibly important in this day in age to realize that we, the youngest generation with the power to truly change things, have to recognize a problem.
Also, you have to know that these girls are going have MASSIVE fucking daddy issues their whole lives.
A "purity ball?" Hey, let's party like it's 1799! Instead of Prince, we can get Prince Wilhelm IV of Prussia! Instead of karaoke and party games, we'll be auctioning off black people in a faux-slave auction. Seriously, we're already half way there to putting women back in the fucking kitchen where they belong, right?
A purity ball. Jesus Christ, save me.
I found this on someone's Facebook notes. I'm not much for labels, but I'd say she's as close to a modernized feminist that I know. She, naturally, is outraged. I'm sure she has her reasons, including lashing out at a borderline-psychotic attempt turn back the clock because we are all scared. Scared of what, I don't know. She has her reasons, I have mine. Let me tell you mine:
It's because of people who believe in this "purity ball" shit that I don't get laid more often.
Roll with me here. What is a purity ball, essentially? An effort by a group of creepy wannabe daughter-fuckers to ensure that their seed remains theirs and theirs alone. There's a guy in the article who has the nerve to take his daughter to one of these things despite having fathered nine children with seven women. I don't care how much you say you've changed and the light of Baby Jesus has touched you: FUCK. OFF. That's the kind of contradiction that lasts for life. You are an alcoholic you're whole life, whether you've been sober thirty years or are piss-drunk now. You don't force your son or daughter to go with you to your AA meetings, you pompous fuck. Leave them out of this.
The whole socially conservative movement gets its bread and butter from the impressions made on youth. It's far easier to mold the mind of child who doesn't have contradictory viewpoints being told to them. I grew up in a household that features a Democrat for a dad and a Republican for a mom. I'm now a Libertarian, and I think they're both morons. But at least I love them for showing me that absolutely NOTHING in life is all one color. I guess it's at least a little true that you can't have an understanding until you despite someone for their viewpoints. How sad.
In this case, these purity balls represent a bunch of piss-ant macho males fucking their daughters' minds up totally. Want to know why so many girls who make virginity pledges lose it in the back of a Ford Taurus on a gravel road just outside town? DADDY. ISSUES. See, it's paranoid fathers who plant that seed in girls' heads. "Sex is bad until you're married," they'll say. Well, girls need more than one positive male role model, just like boys should have as many positive female role models as possible. They'll eventually think they've found it in the arms of Chip the Small Town Quarterback, who ironically took a chastity pledge of his own at Bible Camp.
We are the only species on earth that believes sex is something to be ashamed of. Mind you, that's not something is instinctive. It's shamed into us by adults when we are young. They do it for our physical protection more than anything. I get that, and I respect it. We are now in an age, though, where people realize their sexuality at a younger and younger age. There's absolutely no reason whatsoever to keep from embracing it. How about a message of "Sex is a wonderful, personal thing. But with it comes responsibility." How much responsibility can a person learn when they hear "No. Shut up. Sex is evil. Now sit on your dad's knee while bounces you up and down." A bit of a contradiction, to say the least.
I have ranted long enough. You are more than welcome to disagree with me, but at least hear me out when I say that these purity balls are an effort to ensure no outside information is heard. That is all.
7.17.2008
Life After Facebook
A long time ago, you could date someone with little to no hassle. Nowadays, it's possible your friends will get pissed off at you if you never posted a small and meaningless blurb on an online profile about how you are now "in a relationship." Back in the day someone who annoyed the piss out of you in a social setting could be easily forgotten, even if you gave them your name. Now? You're fucked son. Next time do a background check on someone who wants to be your friend.
Yes, I'm talking about facebook. Facebook has the serious possibility of being the downfall of our society. Buy N' Large might not even get that chance. I'm having a hard time envisioning a future where humanity's every move will be registered through one mega-site (damn you, mini-feed), but that future may not be far off. Listed below are some ways to prevent this future from happening.
Stop saying "Facebook Official." This one ranks right up there with people who type "LOL" when they meant to make a joke. Frankly, my mindless hookups and failed one-week relationships with that crazy bitch at the bar are none of your concern. Likewise, I get a migraine whenever I have to read the following sequence on my mini-feed:
Yes, I'm talking about facebook. Facebook has the serious possibility of being the downfall of our society. Buy N' Large might not even get that chance. I'm having a hard time envisioning a future where humanity's every move will be registered through one mega-site (damn you, mini-feed), but that future may not be far off. Listed below are some ways to prevent this future from happening.
Stop saying "Facebook Official." This one ranks right up there with people who type "LOL" when they meant to make a joke. Frankly, my mindless hookups and failed one-week relationships with that crazy bitch at the bar are none of your concern. Likewise, I get a migraine whenever I have to read the following sequence on my mini-feed:
- Dipshit is listed as "in a relationship." (3:06 pm)
- Dipshit is in love! (3:13 pm)
- It's complicated with Dipshit. (3:19 pm)
- Dipshit wonders what the future holds. (3:25 pm)
- Dipshit is no longer listed as "in a relationship." (3:40 pm)
- Dipshit is crying themselves to sleep. (3:53 pm)
Congratulations: now everyone on the internet knows you're a God damned basket case. And don't try and offset this by making your profile restricted. People still talk without computers, you know.
You are not a ninja. Nor will you ever be one. In some sort of practical joke that went too far, literally millions of people spend at least part of their day on Facebook trying to upgrade their ninja skills by challenging other Facebook ninjas and (most importantly) having no respect for other friends' time and intelligence by repeatedly requesting that they join them as online ninjas. This could be remedied by Mark Zuckerberg simply creating a "fuck the fuck off" button to click when someone sends you this request. This would only work if the fake ninja was told explicity that he should have intercourse with himself, of course. I'm okay with that, though.
This presents a danger because like fantasy sports, it's something that needs to be relegated to a small corner of the internet. Anyone who talks openly about their ninja quest is simply going to be rendered mentally atrophied in a few years, and it's important that they not spread their seed. Think about it: would you consider someone's Donkey Kong Kountry exploits quality conversation? Of course not. Do us all a favor: dispose of these people. They will be our downfall.
Fuck you, mini-feed. I do a lot of things on Facebook purely for shits and giggles. The rest of Facebook's expansive community doesn't need to know that I wrote on fifteen people's walls, that I joined a group commemorating Woody Woodpecker's 84th anniversary, and that I repeatedly tried to Facebook flirt with a crush. I am an idiot. Talking to me for five minutes in person will make this apparent. Stop clogging other people's shit up with meaningless updates. This also holds reciprocal. I don't need to know that Dipshit is cluuuuuuubin it up with Asshat and PinkyDick. If I really wanted to know, I'll ask them.
7.09.2008
The Following Phrases Will Make Me Hate You
Anyone who uses the following words or phrases in front of me without any semblance of irony or humor will be shunned. Know this. It might save you a lot of trouble.
Airplane Reading/Summer Movie. They are pretty much the same thing. Many people will define airplane reading or summer movies as "Easy to digest mentally" or "brain candy." I call them "The mental equivalent of an Outback Bloomin' Onion dipped in chocolate sauce, covered in bacon bits, slathered in sour cream, and then topped off with butterscotch and semen." In other words, it might feel good, but you know that it's eventually going to make you rot away and even as you're eating it you know that something isn't right. The other thing that bothers me about these people is that if they finish their "airplane reading" they will ask you if you've read it. No, I have not read Summer of Deception Rebecca Sue H.P. Grafton. Tease me if you must about having read Catcher In the Rye, but we both know that your insecurity will suffocate you someday.
Fantasy Sports Analyst. Are you fucking kidding me? First off, I find nothing more insufferable that dipshits who discuss fantasy sports with people outside their leagues. I will make some concessions about guys (and it's almost always guys... sorry, ladies) who discuss their leagues with each other. But some people find it wholly necessary to listen to a guy on ESPN who is telling you to consider picking Schuyler Robertson from the Fresno Grizzlies AAA team because he's bound to break, and you'll like a genius. When ESPN breaks from their coverage of gruesome racing accidents or Brett Favre's latest Perot-esque renegging, this sends me into a pit of great annoyance. It all boils down to this: for what? You spend your time researching your fantasy sports team because you think it makes you more masculine? Replace "fantasy baseball" with "fantasy role-playing" or "Magic: the Gathering" and you still have the same idea. Some dipshit on ESPN telling you about it doesn't make it cooler.
LOL, LMAO, or any derivative thereof. Back when the internet was in its infancy (I am old enough to remember this very well... wanna fight about it?), the term "LOL" stood for "laughing out loud." I know this seems very elementary, but follow me for just a second. When you were chatting with someone online, you could show appreciation for a joke they just made by letting them know they succeeded in making audibly chuckle.
THAT IS ALL THAT IT MEANS.
Fast forward to now, where millions of hopeless troglodytes use it incessantly, most often as they are referring to something they themselves have done, using "LOL" as either a joke surrogate or to let you know that they were trying to be funny but have likely subconsciously conceded to the fact that they are despicably unfunny. A word of advice to these people: you are not funny. Stop trying to be something that you aren't. I don't go around wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur so I can pretend everyone in the club is looking at me. They should have every right to kick my ass for being such a poseur. You need to do the same. Either that, or take funny classes at the learning annex.
Airplane Reading/Summer Movie. They are pretty much the same thing. Many people will define airplane reading or summer movies as "Easy to digest mentally" or "brain candy." I call them "The mental equivalent of an Outback Bloomin' Onion dipped in chocolate sauce, covered in bacon bits, slathered in sour cream, and then topped off with butterscotch and semen." In other words, it might feel good, but you know that it's eventually going to make you rot away and even as you're eating it you know that something isn't right. The other thing that bothers me about these people is that if they finish their "airplane reading" they will ask you if you've read it. No, I have not read Summer of Deception Rebecca Sue H.P. Grafton. Tease me if you must about having read Catcher In the Rye, but we both know that your insecurity will suffocate you someday.
Fantasy Sports Analyst. Are you fucking kidding me? First off, I find nothing more insufferable that dipshits who discuss fantasy sports with people outside their leagues. I will make some concessions about guys (and it's almost always guys... sorry, ladies) who discuss their leagues with each other. But some people find it wholly necessary to listen to a guy on ESPN who is telling you to consider picking Schuyler Robertson from the Fresno Grizzlies AAA team because he's bound to break, and you'll like a genius. When ESPN breaks from their coverage of gruesome racing accidents or Brett Favre's latest Perot-esque renegging, this sends me into a pit of great annoyance. It all boils down to this: for what? You spend your time researching your fantasy sports team because you think it makes you more masculine? Replace "fantasy baseball" with "fantasy role-playing" or "Magic: the Gathering" and you still have the same idea. Some dipshit on ESPN telling you about it doesn't make it cooler.
LOL, LMAO, or any derivative thereof. Back when the internet was in its infancy (I am old enough to remember this very well... wanna fight about it?), the term "LOL" stood for "laughing out loud." I know this seems very elementary, but follow me for just a second. When you were chatting with someone online, you could show appreciation for a joke they just made by letting them know they succeeded in making audibly chuckle.
THAT IS ALL THAT IT MEANS.
Fast forward to now, where millions of hopeless troglodytes use it incessantly, most often as they are referring to something they themselves have done, using "LOL" as either a joke surrogate or to let you know that they were trying to be funny but have likely subconsciously conceded to the fact that they are despicably unfunny. A word of advice to these people: you are not funny. Stop trying to be something that you aren't. I don't go around wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur so I can pretend everyone in the club is looking at me. They should have every right to kick my ass for being such a poseur. You need to do the same. Either that, or take funny classes at the learning annex.
7.06.2008
One Single Photograph
I've learned quite a bit about myself in the last couple of months. Up until just recently, I didn't know that I could have literally dozens of attractive girls say "I love you" to me just for getting them quality pizza at a reasonable price (EAT MOJO'S PIZZA.). Say what you will, that can be quite the spoonful of sugar for one's ego.
I also found out that I handle being single in a strange fashion. I hadn't been single for three years. Then, suddenly, I was. The quickest lesson to be learned is to remember that you are a person on your own, and that your significant other should never, EVER define who you are. If you're going to do that, get a fucking hobby. Trust me: crocheting will never tell you that it needs to be crocheted by other people. The Chicago Cubs baseball team will never call you up and tell you "Look it's not you, it's us."
Anyway. That's the simplest, most rudimentary thing you can learn. The thing that I learned shortly thereafter is that you can invest a lot of time into a relationship, but that doesn't mean it was meant to be. Then you're stuck with a lot of memories that can be good ones, but they aren't tangible enough to warrant justification.
I have one single photograph left that I will keep for the rest of my life that will serve as a monument to my most recent relationship. I have no ill will, and things must be as they are. That being said, you can't start a 4,000-mile road trip with your car in reverse. Believe that.
I also found out that I handle being single in a strange fashion. I hadn't been single for three years. Then, suddenly, I was. The quickest lesson to be learned is to remember that you are a person on your own, and that your significant other should never, EVER define who you are. If you're going to do that, get a fucking hobby. Trust me: crocheting will never tell you that it needs to be crocheted by other people. The Chicago Cubs baseball team will never call you up and tell you "Look it's not you, it's us."
Anyway. That's the simplest, most rudimentary thing you can learn. The thing that I learned shortly thereafter is that you can invest a lot of time into a relationship, but that doesn't mean it was meant to be. Then you're stuck with a lot of memories that can be good ones, but they aren't tangible enough to warrant justification.
I have one single photograph left that I will keep for the rest of my life that will serve as a monument to my most recent relationship. I have no ill will, and things must be as they are. That being said, you can't start a 4,000-mile road trip with your car in reverse. Believe that.
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