Anyone who uses the following words or phrases in front of me without any semblance of irony or humor will be shunned. Know this. It might save you a lot of trouble.
Airplane Reading/Summer Movie. They are pretty much the same thing. Many people will define airplane reading or summer movies as "Easy to digest mentally" or "brain candy." I call them "The mental equivalent of an Outback Bloomin' Onion dipped in chocolate sauce, covered in bacon bits, slathered in sour cream, and then topped off with butterscotch and semen." In other words, it might feel good, but you know that it's eventually going to make you rot away and even as you're eating it you know that something isn't right. The other thing that bothers me about these people is that if they finish their "airplane reading" they will ask you if you've read it. No, I have not read Summer of Deception Rebecca Sue H.P. Grafton. Tease me if you must about having read Catcher In the Rye, but we both know that your insecurity will suffocate you someday.
Fantasy Sports Analyst. Are you fucking kidding me? First off, I find nothing more insufferable that dipshits who discuss fantasy sports with people outside their leagues. I will make some concessions about guys (and it's almost always guys... sorry, ladies) who discuss their leagues with each other. But some people find it wholly necessary to listen to a guy on ESPN who is telling you to consider picking Schuyler Robertson from the Fresno Grizzlies AAA team because he's bound to break, and you'll like a genius. When ESPN breaks from their coverage of gruesome racing accidents or Brett Favre's latest Perot-esque renegging, this sends me into a pit of great annoyance. It all boils down to this: for what? You spend your time researching your fantasy sports team because you think it makes you more masculine? Replace "fantasy baseball" with "fantasy role-playing" or "Magic: the Gathering" and you still have the same idea. Some dipshit on ESPN telling you about it doesn't make it cooler.
LOL, LMAO, or any derivative thereof. Back when the internet was in its infancy (I am old enough to remember this very well... wanna fight about it?), the term "LOL" stood for "laughing out loud." I know this seems very elementary, but follow me for just a second. When you were chatting with someone online, you could show appreciation for a joke they just made by letting them know they succeeded in making audibly chuckle.
THAT IS ALL THAT IT MEANS.
Fast forward to now, where millions of hopeless troglodytes use it incessantly, most often as they are referring to something they themselves have done, using "LOL" as either a joke surrogate or to let you know that they were trying to be funny but have likely subconsciously conceded to the fact that they are despicably unfunny. A word of advice to these people: you are not funny. Stop trying to be something that you aren't. I don't go around wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur so I can pretend everyone in the club is looking at me. They should have every right to kick my ass for being such a poseur. You need to do the same. Either that, or take funny classes at the learning annex.
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