I love the NFL Draft. There, I said it. I know what many people are probably thinking right now: based upon the kind of person they think I am (and they're usually right), and the fact that I once went on a diatribe specifically denouncing the folly of the NFL Draft, that statement should make no sense on a logical level.
It does, though. Allow me to explain what I honestly am thinking the weekend of the NFL Draft (from here on out ending in an exclamation point!). One, I want to know who my team, the Chicago Bears have decided is worth the effort of procuring into a talent worthy of the world's highest level of American football (played in America, shockingly). So far, I have noticed that they are addressing needs that surfaced throughout a lackluster 7-9 campaign last year, one that was especially frustrating coming off of the 2006 season that saw Rex Grossman lose the Super Bowl.
On a side note, does anyone else think that Brian Urlacher and the rest of the Chicago defense should have gotten one free kick to Rex Grossman's ass after that Super Bowl? Hell, for that matter, let's let the entire o-line get in on the action too. Rex Grossman has carried the banner quite well in the last few seasons as far as powerfully underwhelming quarterbacks. The list is almost as long as powerfully underwhelming Chicago Cubs pitchers, and that's especially inexcusable because there's five pitchers in a starting rotation. The Bears can only have three, and usually only one or two ever sees significant time. In trademark Bear fashion, however, they keep pouring money into Grossman like a 85-year-old widow pouring her pension into a slot machine at an Indian casino. Gah.
One more side note: Brian Urlacher wants a better contract. The Bears might not give it to him, despite the fact that they've labeled him a franchise player. So it could be possible that the Bears will let Brian Urlacher, a future Hall-of-Famer, go somewhere else... but they'll stand behind Rex Grossman. Welcome to Chicago Bear fanhood. Also, it's kind of funny that when I typed "Urlacher" into the spell-checker, it came back with "Bellyacher" as a possible option. How deliciously coincidental.
Anyway, the other reason I keep up on the NFL Draft! is because I want to see if anyone from the University of Northern Iowa will get drafted. Granted, this doesn't happen often, and I usually don't need to check on this aspect until well into Sunday afternoon. But I'm just saying... one of these days it's going to happen again.
But back to my original point. The NFL Draft! has made itself felt in the hearts of football dipshits everywhere. ESPN calls them "hardcore fans," but this is usually only during the duration of the NFL Draft! and it's subsequent promotions. I'm sorry, I have to refer to these people as dipshits. You can make as big of a deal as you want about signing some completely unproven prospect, but the fact is he might be a total douchebag that you just poured 30 million guaranteed into. You have a pretty good idea that some guys are going to do well. You have a pretty good idea that some guys are going to flame out worse than a drunk pilot at an air show. Ryan Leaf? Who the fuck was that guy? He played for Washington State? What the hell of have they done? He passed for 3,000+ yards? So did Ty Detmer. Ty Fucking Detmer.
Another side note: here's a tip, NFL scouts: if a guy passed for more than 5,000 yards in a single season, I'm willing to bet he's a going to be a cumstain when he reports for camp. Why? Product of the system. Come on, work with me here. Show me a quarterback who passes for 5,000 yards in a season and I'll show you a pissed-off and scorned halfback and a defense so inept that they should probably be wearing tinfoil pirate hats and speaking in tongues.
But you can't stop the NFL Draft!, so don't even try. Too many people these days want to pass off promotional tidbits they learned from Darth Kiper, Jr. as knowledge. You can be sitting at a bar, chatting with your friend about the upcoming season, and some guy you don't know will sidle up and want to join the conversation. If he interjects with "you really think Glen Dorsey can make an immediate impact?" my friend, you have just scored a new drinking buddy. If he responds with "Glen Dorsey will save the Kansas City Chiefs!" you should probably move to another bar. This man is a product of ESPN's hype machine, which is almost Orwellian in its ability to tell people they're being educated about sports when essentially ESPN just wants them to buy more shit or watch more useless speculation passed off as "expert analysis." Just say no, for Christ's sake.
And that, my friends, is the NFL Draft! in a nutshell. A similar beast would be all these shit-smellers who consider themselves "recruiting gurus" in the college ranks, but they are far worse. That's a rant for another time, but I'll say this: at least in the NFL Draft! people can talk about how much they're being signed for monetarily.
To recap: the NFL Draft! should simply be a draft, nothing more. To cover the event for the whole weekend is absurd, stupid, and breeds a generation of hopeless knuckle-dragging sports twats who probably smell like stale pee and are at least fifty pounds overweight. Thank you for your time.
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