At Least I Don't Have Scurvy

All right, let's get one thing straight. For those of you who know me, you probably know a few things: some of you were starting junior high the year I started going to college. Get your jollies from that as long as you'd like. We all make choices we wish we could have back if given a second chance. There. Feel better? No? I can wait.

Second, there's a few of you who seem to think attempting to verbally sabotage my looks is going to have some sort of effect on me. Think again, sphincter. First of all, you can try to bring me down as much as you can. You WILL fail. I know in my heart of hearts that I am the most attractive, suave, interesting human being I know. Oh? You'd like to point out the fact that I'm probably fat to look at if I have no clothes on? There are people out there who could confirm your assumption. You know what? I still don't care.

And therein lies the problem. In this world of self-image, self-esteem, self-affirmation, and self-pleasure (I wrote the book on that one), it can be hard to know where you stand. Allow me to tell you all what I think the right amount of self-confidence is:

If you don't think you are the greatest thing to ever grace the planet earth, just get the fuck out.

Don't get ahead of me on this.

You see, no one is going to do you any real favors by telling you how awesome they think you are. The fact is that anytime anyone has to reaffirm you themselves, they kind of just lost some respect for you. If you can convince others that you are the bomb-diggity or whatever you kids are saying these days, they will likely believe it without them ever having to tell you. Sure, some people will think you're an asshole, but fuck them. They've got their own 300-pound, over-eating demons to worry about.

To recap: Satan is not a woman in a beautiful red dress to most. Maybe some, but not most. No, Satan is a grossly obese, whiny cunt-stain who just wants you to join him on the couch so you can eat buttered Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies and watch episodes of Rock of Love. Don't give in. Satan is a twat. You are not.