Yes, I'm talking about facebook. Facebook has the serious possibility of being the downfall of our society. Buy N' Large might not even get that chance. I'm having a hard time envisioning a future where humanity's every move will be registered through one mega-site (damn you, mini-feed), but that future may not be far off. Listed below are some ways to prevent this future from happening.
Stop saying "Facebook Official." This one ranks right up there with people who type "LOL" when they meant to make a joke. Frankly, my mindless hookups and failed one-week relationships with that crazy bitch at the bar are none of your concern. Likewise, I get a migraine whenever I have to read the following sequence on my mini-feed:
- Dipshit is listed as "in a relationship." (3:06 pm)
- Dipshit is in love! (3:13 pm)
- It's complicated with Dipshit. (3:19 pm)
- Dipshit wonders what the future holds. (3:25 pm)
- Dipshit is no longer listed as "in a relationship." (3:40 pm)
- Dipshit is crying themselves to sleep. (3:53 pm)
Congratulations: now everyone on the internet knows you're a God damned basket case. And don't try and offset this by making your profile restricted. People still talk without computers, you know.
You are not a ninja. Nor will you ever be one. In some sort of practical joke that went too far, literally millions of people spend at least part of their day on Facebook trying to upgrade their ninja skills by challenging other Facebook ninjas and (most importantly) having no respect for other friends' time and intelligence by repeatedly requesting that they join them as online ninjas. This could be remedied by Mark Zuckerberg simply creating a "fuck the fuck off" button to click when someone sends you this request. This would only work if the fake ninja was told explicity that he should have intercourse with himself, of course. I'm okay with that, though.
This presents a danger because like fantasy sports, it's something that needs to be relegated to a small corner of the internet. Anyone who talks openly about their ninja quest is simply going to be rendered mentally atrophied in a few years, and it's important that they not spread their seed. Think about it: would you consider someone's Donkey Kong Kountry exploits quality conversation? Of course not. Do us all a favor: dispose of these people. They will be our downfall.
Fuck you, mini-feed. I do a lot of things on Facebook purely for shits and giggles. The rest of Facebook's expansive community doesn't need to know that I wrote on fifteen people's walls, that I joined a group commemorating Woody Woodpecker's 84th anniversary, and that I repeatedly tried to Facebook flirt with a crush. I am an idiot. Talking to me for five minutes in person will make this apparent. Stop clogging other people's shit up with meaningless updates. This also holds reciprocal. I don't need to know that Dipshit is cluuuuuuubin it up with Asshat and PinkyDick. If I really wanted to know, I'll ask them.
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