The Five Stages of Grief, by Ralph

For those of you who are unaware, the human mind goes through five different periods following a traumatic event. They are fairly easy to remember since they form an acronym that I'm sure you've all used in everyday conversation: "dabda." If not, you need to start hanging out with me a lot more. I tend to use nonsense syllables on a regular basis. Anyway, here they are, as I would go through them. Remember, each person experiences these for different periods of time, so you may be different.


Denial. Nothing happened, I'm okay. For you see, I am the hope to the masses. If I am to experience fallibilty, they might become disillusioned. Case in point: the minute I started to recognize that maybe I was worse off than I had hoped? BAM! Economic collapse.That's right: this was all because of me.


It's important for people to remember that things can get them down, though. That way you can deal with them in a completely rational manner. This leads me to the next stage:


Anger. That's right: motherfuck the world! It was everyone else's problem, not mine! Surely it couldn't have been anything that I did wrong! Although now I'm denial over the economic problem being my fault, now I'm in stage two of the original problem. That's okay, I know how to deal with it! I'll take out on everyone around me. That surely won't fail.

On second thought, my bad. I guess I'd better move on to the next stage.


Bargaining. I'm fairly sure that when bad stuff happens to me, this stage doesn't happen. My broke ass doesn't have anything to make deals with. Unless you count making deals with God to make it all go away. Maybe that's what they mean here...

"Oh, knock it off! It's your stupid blathering that got you in this mess in the first place!"

Well, damn it. This stage does me no good. Moving on...

Depression. That's right, woe is me. God told me to slag off, the economy is in the toilet, and I made someone cry. What to do now? Drink too much and feel bad for myself! The problem is that you are told never to drink alone, so someone has the job of making you feel like less of a blubbering wussbag. It's important as the friend here to avoid trying to offer advice. This sadsack of a creature (me) is going to just get mad at you. Then where does that leave you? You probably either feel like an asshole, you'll want to punch me, or both. I don't need that right now.

Acceptance. I'm not sure what this feels like, to be quite honest with you. Every horrible thing that has ever happened to me has been suppressed and I carry it with me. I'd like to think in a small way this has made me a better man. For example...

This is an artist's rendering of me and my troubles.

So there is a bright side.

And in conclusion, there's only one thing that can be said as far as advice goes: don't get to know anyone or do anything that may cause you grief down the road. It kind of screws you up. Need proof? Read this whole diatribe again.